cassdidly

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I made a NEW JOURNAL, folks!

I changed my cell number. 707-616-2502.

I was looking on craigslist [my fave] for apartments and cheap furniture. Trying to prepare myself for the move and all that comes when I return to Humboldt in January. I came across this large, furnished house in a nice neighborhood. Kitchen, one bedroom, dining room, livingroom, two stories, pets ok. [A.K.A. my dream house!] Only $600 a month. It's this deeply religious man who's in the UK and whose wife is in Mississippi for some surgeries. He's in a bind and needs to rent it quickly and at a low cost. Eee. We wrote a few emails back and forth, I assumed he'd rent to someone else since I'm young and need a co-signer. I went to bed, still in the back of mind hoping he'd consider renting me the apartment. I woke up to an email telling me it's mine. I just have to get him the deposit/first/last and I get the keys.

Did Christmakwnazukkah come early this year or is it too good to be true?

I finally completed and sent off my F.A.F.S.A. and "College of the Redwoods" application. I looked through the spring semester catalog. Yeayuh! It's snowing and it makes me smile. I'm sure I'll be sick of the wint'ry bliss by the time I head back to Cali, but for now I'm soaking it up.

Oh. I have blue highlights, too. Just in time for my grandfather's memorial service. Surprise? My grandma looked at me and said, "well, Cass, it sure is blue!" Then she followed that with, "I don't know why you young people bother with that sort of thing, I suppose it's fun?" If she only knew. Haha, should I convince my Oma to dye her hair some crazy color by the time I leave in early January, I will die a happy, fulfilled individual. I'm not going to hold my breath.

It occurred to me that you New Yorkers have already seen my hair all sorts of colors, and are more than familiar with the winter weather of Upstate New York. So this update it directed mainly towards you other lovelies. Indeed.

( pics and descriptions. )

I want to snail mail you a Christmas card. So reply with your address or message it to me if you want to maintain your privacy. Please and thanks.

My grandpa died Saturday. I just talked with him Thursday. It's so surreal. I flew out to New York this weekend to be with family. I'll be staying here for a month or so to stay with and help my grandma through the holiday season. It's hard to be away from Travis, but it'd be harder not to be here. She needs someone, and I have nothing better to do. Even if I did, I'd drop it in a heartbeat. This is where I want to be.

I cried when I found out, and a little here and there, but somehow it wasn't real to me. The denial/shock is wearing off slowly but surely. We made up a memorial service program and went to the lawyer to sign papers about his will. It's starting to sink in.

I sat in Opi's [his nickname, "opa" is German for grandfather] chair today without even thinking. At first I thought it was inappropriate, but it felt like home. And I haven't felt that for awhile. I always scrambled up there when he left the room. It was warm and comfy and I knew I wasn't really allowed when he was watching TV or reading the newspaper. I would listen for his footsteps so when he came in the room I'd bolt out and lay next to it and try to be casual. Opi knew every time by the rocking motion or my all too surprised look when he walked in. I heard a noise today and jumped up without realizing what I was doing. I can't even describe how it felt sitting there on the floor. Empty. It's been snowing and I wore my flip flops today. I do this often much to my family's dismay. I was upset not to hear him say that "for God's sake" even thought I'm a "ridiculous young person" I could wear some more appropriate attire with the current weather. At dinnertime my family always collects in the kitchen and Opi had the job of dispersing the crowd. I sat there and stared at everyone bumping into each other and wished I would hear him scold us all in German.

Christmas Eve [and sometimes a couple days before] we get to choose one present to enjoy early. Which turns into and argument about opening more and more. We're all so manic, he grounded us. He would keep us from going off on tangents and tearing each other to shreds. Who will be the voice of reason now?

When I shut the bathroom door that attaches to my grandparent's room, I close my eyes and hold my breath. I'm afraid if I smell him or see his glasses I'll simply breakdown. I don't know how everyone else is maintaining. My mother, aunts and uncles lost their father. If my dad died, I'd be devastated and I don't even have a substantial relationship with him. My grandpa was extremely close with his children. My grandma lost her husband, her best friend, her soul mate. She has been crying throughout, but tonight was the first time I heard her literally sob. The pain was tangible. I want to take it all away. For everyone.

I will miss his humor. I don't want to talk about him in the past tense. I hate having to correct myself from saying "their" when I talk about the car or house. I miss walking up behind him when he read the paper and kissing him on top of his soft, thinning, white hair. I'll miss the paper clippings Opi always cut out and sent me with scribbled notes all over them. And the way he'd start everything off with, "I know this is something only an old person like myself would find interesting, but..." or "you probably wont find this useful in any way, but..." even though he knew I was dying to hear what he had to say. I'll miss his grunts, laugh, and the way Opi said yuge instead of huge. I wasn't ready to lose him. I still haven't done anything with my life for us to enjoy and be proud of. I'm capable of so much more, I wish he was here to see me through.

I love him.

Could the world be any smaller? When people from different parts of my life interact in one way, shape or form it makes me uncomfortable. Personally, I like to keep my dramas separate so I can have an escape or seek some relief when one in particular becomes too much. Instead I'm saddled with one big clusterfuck that's becoming inescapable. Oh well, life is good. I'm wearing tropical-flavored chap stick; it makes me feel good about the world. Tonight I'm dedicating the better part of my internet use to filling out applications and rental listings. Only I can change my situation.

How do I begin? Melissa is back. I'm whole again. Travis is on his way out. I'm soon to be completely devastated. My many, many doctors finally disgnosed this whole episode as scabies and a false postive on that ASO titer. I choose to focus on the fact that it's not serious and I'm one step closer to being itch-free, rather than the fact that so much time and money and worries and effort and tears and energy was/were wasted. I'm signing up for classes spring semester. Full-time. I'm looking for work. Part-time. I'm looking for a roommate or my own place. Things seem to be falling in place, but I'm just going through the motions. In all honesty, I'm as lost as lost can be.

I will update this weekend at the latest. I have no internet access except via cell phone and that makes editing what I've type ridiculously hard. So bear with me, I'll be back soon.

My tante [aunt in German] Anne is so on top of everything. Makes me smile. Love her so. Anyhow, she sends these marvelous emails about chemical sensitivites, cell phone dangers, and all sorts of useful information. Back to the point... she sent my mom and me these emails explaining all the gibberish these doctors have been talking about. It helped to ease my mom's fears [yay] and now I'm not as lost. Good deal.

For the suspected infective endocarditis [blood/heart infection] there's more blood tests, as I said. I had to get blood drawn from multiple areas. Awesome. The phlebotomist was friendly enough, but he couldn't find a good vein at first. Awesomer. Both inner elbows have bandaids over cotton balls, and my right hand has a matching one. There's a huge orange dye spot on each where he rubbed a special antiseptic swab. I look ridiculous. Can't wait until I get the junky bruises all up my arms and hand. Ha.

The ultrasound wasn't too bad; the ultrasonologist made small talk about what I was looking at on the screen. Right! Like I paid attention in school and know what the hell you're talking about, buddy. We laughed about HF-L's football team and how much they suck. Ha. He had to push really hard on my ribs and collar bones, but it was over soon enough. At least the lube jelly was warm. Now my part's over and I just have to wait on the results.

I got my [black, thick-rimmed] glasses today! Yeayuh.

The only thing my blood tests showed that was a concern was a positive ASO [anti-stryptolysin] titer. Not so sure what that means exactly, but a positive result can mean one of three things: false positive, Lupus or another auto-immune disease, or a blood infection. So I got more blood drawn today to check for bacteria. Bloop. Then I went and got an ultrasound of my heart to check for scar tissue, commonly caused by a blood infection. I don't get the cardiac ultrasound results back for a couple days, and it'll be up to ten days on the blood work. If it is a blood infection, I have to get on serious antibiotic injections. If not, then I have to see a rheumatologist.

I leave for California tomorrow. Travis is in jail. Again.

If you want ring tones but don't want to pay, I've got the site for you: phonezoo! In all honesty, it's difficult to find most songs, but it's free. You can get some great ones like soundtracks from TV shows and funny sounds. It's more of a custom ring tone sight with random songs and noises rather than the top 40 songs. Me likey. I look them up on the computer and then send them to my phone. You might like, you might not. Enjoy it for what it's worth.

Connecticut joined Massachusetts and California in allowing same-sex marriages. Our economy is shot, but this is another step in the right direction for society. Sweet.

I got all the results back from my blood tests. No thyroid problem[s] or Lyme's Disease. Everything looks normal except I might have an auto-immune disease. Hm. All I could think about when she told me that was AIDS. No worries though, I don't have it. Whatever I do have seems to not be critical, thankfully. Annoying, yes? So when I get back to California I have to set up an appointment with rheumatologist to figure out the next step. So much for all the allergy and dermatologist bullshit I've been going through. Doctors and their misdiagnoses... It only took me what? Half a dozen different medical professionals to get something other than "um, I don't know, maybe it'll go away". Good effort, champs!

I went to three doctor's appointments, got my blood drawn and went with Nick to her ultrasound yesterday. I was a busy beaver. The ultrasound room was packed; her mom, dad and his girlfriend came along. Pictures to come. When the baby moved it clicked in my brain that she's going to be a mommy. I forgot how to breathe, and had to cling to her sneaker for dear life. Ha, it's not even mine and I was losing it. I going to be an auntie; I'm stoked and I plan on coming back to Upstate in April when she's due. Pure insanity.

I got my new phone. Yeayuh! I'm amped that I have a phone that will keep a charge. Plus, it has much better reception and for those of you who call me, know that's a fantabulous difference. Bluetooth, camera/video, web, yadda. I got it for $49.99 because I'm a bad person. I signed up for another year of service with Sprint, that brings me up to about four years. Then I told them that this was replacing a loaner phone and because I paid for insurance on it, I should be eligible for a rebate. Lies. Same number [707] 832-7618. You should call me or text me because I need attention.



Rumor by LG
I go back to California in a week. So if you haven't seen me, you better keep your schedule open! I'm so not ready and yet it's so long overdue. So torn, imagine that. I'm having a family weekend, and hopefully I can fit a few more nights of debauchery in. No more road trips though. Last night Nick and I got in a car accident. Not serious, but I'm all messed up. We were headed back home from a trip to Syracuse and it was raining really hard. There was construction and traffic was super congested. The vehicle in front of us slammed on its breaks, and we rear-ended them. Hard. Luckily there was a spare tire on the back of their jeep, so we only dented Nick's car. I was sitting cross-legged with my knees resting on the dashboard. Totally unsafe. Luckily the airbag didn't go off! I squished the hell out of myself [accordion style] and got whiplash. Prime. No one was seriously injured, and the other driver was really nice. She plays in some community band with Nick's grandma. Such a small world. We made it the rest of the way home without incident, thankfully.

We [Nick, Robyn, Duncan] had a bonfire tonight. Probably the last of this trip. Lame. We listened to music off of Nick's phone until it died. Then we pulled her car out on the lawn and hooked up the car charger. Podunk as hell and I love it. We ate pumpkin bread and pizza pringles while I karaoked and played with their boxer pup.

I should get to bed, I have three doctor's appointments tomorrow, and am going to a fourth with Nick. It's her first ultrasound. Eee!